cha.

like spinning and swimming and
opening up to more
insides on out-side
collecting crispness
a bell and a book for the future
A nod to the future, what can you bring me
I've seen some spooky things and made my day out of the waste that falls out of them
A picknick basket half-full of the memories I'm made up of
Some aren't even mine
some are dreams
some are inventions of grandeur
Like a picture painted since time began, I'm a fiber and optic curve splattered and sometimes scraped, or swooped by a brush that recalls things I dare not dram about
The curve of the corner of your lips matches my inhibitions beautifully

What darkness resides in me?
No man--Certainly no god--Can contain or fathom. I'm yet to be discovered, every inch and syllable
reaching out to more and taking in more
and becoming more
my experience and my cellular composition
My hard-earned weight-in-gold and berometric pressure
ready to blow
Open-toed, feeling open and wanting to be closed?
Just feeling flat and un-obscured in full sunshine
like dandelion before mowing or fuzzing out to be picked
and blown by a stick-figure named Regret
wind-borne
like swimming and spinning

Cheer up mate, its over!

Weekend almost here!--Dustin wants to be my roommate and he says he can make me cum--Jenn is packing her bags and moving back to Logan because she misses the smell of feacle matter--Shaun&Cody&Rhett&Kyle are on a trip to San Diego to waive their lil rainbow flags. Gay Gay GAY!

more later....

The world is far, far from saved.

Iran Publicly Hangs Two Gay Teenagers
http://www.connexion.org/newsstory.cfm?id=2991&returnurl=index.cfm


The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I'm tired of wishing safe travel to those taken before their time due to ignorance and fear. How many will be taken? What difference does any of it make. If you're reading this, I hope these words find you well, and I hope you choose to respect life at the cost of EVERYTHING else. Including your Allah. I don't understand what god would demand the blood of any creature, innocent or not.

Whatever god you are, I hate you. Burn in the eternities forever.

You've never seen stardust
Glowing green like a spell
Whips of light arc through voids
Propelled by ambience and drum-bass

Chaos to the casual observing eye
Method only found when sought out
Rocks are sharp and people are soft
But the color and the strangeness beckons

Like perverse forbidden knowledge
It makes you grin
A book opened and spoken in Latin
Or an esoteric dead language lingering from before

Once its over, solidly solid.
But I can still see the energy it takes to smile.

Things I like:

-skanky pictures!
-breakfast from McDonald's
-Coffee
-Skore bars
-white teeth
-chocolate oranges
-Keane
-shoes that make me taller
-my iPod
-other people's iPods
-dipping things, i.e. burgers, corn dogs, fries, burritos, etc
-dipping things, i.e. myself in a pool
-French boys
-Jessica Alba
-3-day weekends
-your baby daddy
-Wendys Value Menu
-dying my hair black
-scooby snacks
-Hypnotiq
-summer aqua
-summer white

Things I Do Not Like:

-socks with sandals
-unvaried music selections
-people who match their denims
-hating the sin, not the sinner (just hate and be honest, okay?)
-The city of Provo, Utah
-The city of Logan, Utah
-The city of Layton, Utah
-boys that dump me for no good reason!
-losing my lighter
-OVERDRAFT FEES! :-(
-boys who won't dump me because they just don't care that much, but won't date me because they don't want to commit, thus leaving me in "relationship purgatory"
-Dave Matthews
-construction in my workplace parking lot!!!
-That lady calling me Ma'am
-wanting to eat at IHOP, but not being able to because I'm stuck at work
-my roommate's obsession with peach shnapps
-people who didn't like "The Notebook"

Have any suggestions? Please leave a comment!
coming soon---- Summer Sequence 2005 Reviews!

The following is my response to a post by absintheAddict on deviantart.com, relating to the nature of consciousness, right/wrong, and the concept of traditional theology in the face of modern society, with all we have experienced. To view the post string, click here http://absintheaddict.deviantart.com/journal/5824341/.

My response:

Upon reading these posts and threads, I have a few cents to contribute. For whatever they are worth.
Based upon my experiences while experimenting with "reality" and through the aid of either meditation or substance, I can conclude for myself that these experiences lead me to subscribe to the thought that our bodies are mere meat-puppets which our intelligences have been crammed into, and for the majority of lifetimes in this "human" experience, this experience is total and all-encompassing.
While my ideals are best aligned with those of magickal studies, I can best relay them in terms of the great tree. This is common symbolism used in magickal circles to explain reality, and the human experience. The tree reaches from the central plane of earth, down into the underworld, traditionally the land of the dead. The tree also reaches up into higher levels of consciousness, which are referred to as the astral realm, the angelic realm, etc. This concept of higher and lower vibrational realms was taken to a drastic extreme (possibly even perverted) with the Christian concepts of heaven and hell.
The main focus, however, is the center plane, earth. This plane contains our immediate present experience, a balance between much denser vibrations (below) and much more subtle, lighter vibrations (above). These levels are accessible through the tree, wich supports the ancient magical law, "As above, so below." This concept can be applied to the modern psychology concept of consciousness, and the subconscious. The relationship between these two mind-states is often looked at as the key to magick and psychic phenomenon.
The crux, the crossroads between these realms and worlds, is the physical reality in which we are able to experience the world minute to minute.
As I earlier stated, I have from time to time felt a distinct impression that this everyday experience is still quite foreign, compared to what I have been used to. When slightly removed from my reality bearings, I begin to remember a different kind of reality, one that I'm much more familiar with. Psychadelic substances seem to enhance this "sensory recall" for lack of a better term.
Or maybe this is all just a big trip. Some moments are more meaningful than others, for sure. Maybe I'm writing this while in the throes of some deep sleep cosmic dream.
"And the rain is brain colored, and the lightning sounds like something remembering something."
Namaste.

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT

If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:

a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you’re not greedy or grasping.

b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you’ve already achieved them.

c. Whatever you’re longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It’s not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.

d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn’t foresee.

Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.


by Rob Brezsny

The Legend of the Descent of the Goddess

Now our Lady the Goddess has never loved, but she would solve all the mysteries, even the mystery of Death: And so she journeyed to the Underworld.

The Guardians of the portals challenged her: "Strip off thy garments, lay aside thy jewels; for naught mayest thou bring with thee in this our land."

So she laid down her garments and her jewels, and was bound, as are all who enter the Realms of Death, the Mighty One.

Such was her beauty that Death himself knelt and kissed her feet, saying:

"Blessed be thy feet, that have brought thee in these ways. Abide with me; but let me place my cold hand on thy heart."

She replied: "I love thee not. Why dost thou cause all things I love and take delight in to fade and die?"

"Lady," replied Death, "'tis age and fate, against which I am helpless. Age causes all things to wither; but when men die at the end of time, I give them rest and peace, and strength so that they may return. But thou! Thou art lovely. Return not; abide with me!"

But she answered: "I love thee not."

Then said Death: "An thou receivest not my hand on thy heart, thou must receive Death's scourge."

"It is fate--better so," she said. And she knelt and Death scourged her tenderly. And she cried, "I feel the pangs of love."

And Death said, "Blessed be!" and gave her the Fivefold Kiss, saying:

"Thus only mayest thou attain to joy and knowledge." And he taught her all the mysteries, and they loved and they were one, and he taught her all the Magics.

For there are three great events in the life of man: Love, Death, and Resurrection in the new body; and Magic controls them all. For to fulfill love you must return again at the same time and place as the loved one, and you must remember and love them again. But to be reborn you must die and be ready for a new body; and to die you must be born; and without love you may not be born; and this is all the Magics.

"Change is constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix."
-Christina Baldwin

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."
-Jane Howard

Just as things begin to go smoothly....

So I had a birthday party, right? Well it was sorta impromptu, what with SLC Pride in full swing, this was Sunday June 12th. So a bunch of people get invited, they are about to start showing up, and nobody has reserved the pool & clubhouse yet. So I write the deposit check which is not to be cashed, it is just for security purposes. I understand this.

Well three weeks later, my bank account dips into an ungodly overdraft because the building management decided the pool & clubhouse weren't left in a clean enough condition. (Apparently the price of windex and Mr. Clean has gone up over here?) The management cashes the check without so much as a phone call or written explanation. I'm broke.

If that isn't enough, Dustin is out of town and might lose his job because he can't get a flight back in time to make it to work this morning. What is my connection here? I haven't known him for longer than a month, yet something that directly affects him, seems to bleed through to me. I refuse to analyze this relationship, for fear of what I may or may not find, i suppose. All I know is that I saw a picture of him yestarday and I missed him a lot. Thank you, Dustin, for bringing me sunshine.

I'm not supposed to be so adversely affected by the traumas of the world around me, but I can't help but understand that we're all connected, and I feel that in a very real way. Even (especially) when I don't want to feel it.

Disarray!

Disaster!

~a distant alarm begins to wail softly, gradually getting louder~

Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats, the ticket collector will be along shortly. Watch the curtain closely, as it is about to rise...