The following is a paper I wrote for a course on human sexuality, in August of 2003. The subject was "Internet Sex and Homosexuality." I wasn't enrolled in the course, I just liked the idea of the subject (and consider myself a kind of expert) and thereby this paper has never seen the light of day. I think its time has come.
Sorry for the long post. I love you all.
-Matt
Internet sex. Cyber sex. Having sexual relations with someone via world wide web.
I’m not a whore, I’m not a slut. I fell in love with a boy whom I never met, but know him probably better than most the people that are directly involved in his everyday life. We made plans of meeting, of course, but because of the need for both of us to hide certain undesirable behaviors from our parents, and due to financial restrictions, our plans always fell through. The 2,000 + miles that separated us seemed to burn my mind. Somehow the world hated me, and now I was in love with a person whom I would never be able to meet, outside of a computer or a phone.
Is it really so strange that I turned to the freedom of cyberspace? It’s a place where nobody could see what I was doing, or who I was talking to, or how I was living my life. This was in the days when it was only a rumor that I might be gay, or in the days when I was still living (and fearing) under the strict religious ideals upheld and wielded by my parents. It was most probably a cop out, or a way of expressing myself to the world without much risk of consequences of being “outed.”
Looking back, I can see that nothing comes without a consequence.
I wasn’t safe from anything, I was dumb to the world and to myself. I don’t think I was strong enough or secure enough to ever act so openly in a public, real-life forum, so chat rooms were a nice way of testing the waters. Nobody had to know who I was, why I was there, or anything at all. I only became a person to those whom I wished. To the rest of the world wide web, I was a screen name. An alias not at all hinting at my real name, maybe giving a clue as to my general location, and a number which could refer to the current year, or my birth date, or my current age, or whatever I felt at the time of registering.
Cyberspace is a place where a person can really paint and create the persona they most wish they could have in everyday life. It’s a land where everyone says they are underwear models, everyone knows somebody famous, everyone has the perfect life. It’s a huge costume party, and only the most intimate of conversations can reveal the truth underneath the layers.
That is probably when I fell in love, the first time. As far as conversations go, these were not unlike any others I have ever had, except that they consumed a lot of time. Logging on the internet became a kind of obsession or addiction, a fix I needed and didn’t feel right without. Its really impossible, to this day, for me to go to bed without checking my email.
We talked, and talked, and talked, and this boy that had sent me a private message half a year ago, with whom I had been casually chatting for the past six months, suddenly became the most important person in my life. I wanted a relationship, I wanted to express myself to him, and show him that I cared. I fell in love, and I still don’t know if that was a good thing or not.
Its dangerous to fall in love, but the melodrama of the techno-world somehow softened that. Everything that happened within our relationship (of nearly two years) was softened by the fact that I didn’t have to physically be exposed to anything. At the end of the day, the people around me didn’t look at me differently for having a boyfriend, because for all they knew, I didn’t have a boyfriend and I was a normal str8 guy. I don’t think I was ashamed at all, I think it was more out of fear of the unknown. I suppose its part of the process every person goes through, either gay or str8 (although I think it may be a bit more dramatic for a gay person), as they come into the fact of being themselves, and realizing that this is their life, and its theirs to make what they will of it. The internet provided a safe haven for me to explore and find out exactly what I am.
Sex via the internet is really more along the lines of what I have come to call “cybering,” which is basically phone sex in chat format. It comes with a relationship, or sometimes happens outside of a relationship, but most of the time it meant absolutely nothing to me. It was fun and exciting, and I think it was a safe way to explore. Its definitely more safe than actual exploration, who ever caught a disease from typing on a computer? I wouldn’t trade my online opportunities of experimentation for anything. Again, the internet was my safe haven.
But, boys and girls, its not a good idea to give your heart away to someone you have never met, and have very little chances of ever meeting. It’s a big hurting wound, and it probably isn’t so good for your mental constitution. Not to mention, how many relationships in real life I could have had, but didn’t, because I was too caught up in the fantasy world of the images, sounds, and chat sessions that made up my digital boyfriend. I finally ended it because I knew I deserved something real, something tangible. I wanted a person, not a picture of him.
Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need.
