The Government of the United States of America is banning ephedra! I think it's time for me to pull up the stakes and find a new vice.

Then again, they banned alcohol once upon a lonely time, and we all see how that turned out.

You know, if I want to lower my lifetime expectancy by taking substances that cause my heart to move faster than normal, that's nobody's business but my own.


You sing well, little boy, but do you know any other songs?


This is the only song I know. It's brought me this far, it will take me even further. Falling backward doesn't hurt so much as falling forward, and people are always saying how life isn't a race. So what the hell.

I used to be really good at following my heart and doing what I thought was right, blah blah woof woof. I'm not so good at that anymore, maybe because of fear or laziness, or ignorance on my part as to what I really want, and who I really am. Some people seem to have me figured out, though. A little voice that knows me better than I do, and with a little luck, always will.

Thanks. You're going to keep me strong through this bitch.

Haven't seen such unravelling, before.

My auto insurance is being cancelled, due to recent events of accidental nature. It will probably cost me somewhere near $600 a month to stay insured. Maybe I should just drive without insurance, and then if something happens, throw me in jail. You can throw away the key, or keep it as a souvenir. It's your choice, I don't much care. So long as I never have to see it again.

The wheel of the world is turning, New Years is only a few days away. I'm sorry, I forgot to care. E-parties aren't in line for amusements, and alcohol is losing its charm.

At work, finally, an odd sense of superficial purpose and a new sense of need. A need to move on and a need to make more money.

Hey champ,
with those sad eyes and this mess in your mind,
you look like you could use some uppers.

Let it snow.

Even as the world falls down around me, to be swept away like sawdust, the opening of new beginnings and original endeavors tells a tale of renewal. Every year brings the same feeling, of a bright new future, built upon a past too ominous to forget.

What happened this year? In 2003, I struck out on my own, and lived alone, for quite some time. I've been at the same job for the whole year, as well. This is the longest i have ever stayed in one place, as far as jobs are concerned.

Relationship status: I found the one I want, I lost the one I want, only to realize that nobody ever loses anything, only... we somehow move on, past the moment in time and space that holds that thing we lost. In my case, in this case, I moved on past a feeling, an emotion, and a person, all at the same time. I opened a box within myself that can never be closed again. I dont know when it happened, but the point is, that once you go there, you can never go back. I'm pretty much changed, almost chemically, as far as romantic relationships go. And I couldn't be more satisfied.

I came to develop a sense of peace about things in my world that used to make me bitter. In realizing that by being bitter I only cheat myself out of being happy elsewhere, things began to change.

I may be a bit more darkly cynical and "jaded" than before, though. I'm older and wiser, and the same things don't bring me happiness like I thought and had learned they should. A party in a hotel room holds about as much meaning as crying over spilled wine (who drinks milk anymore).

Hey, can I get another shot of this?

A few more shots and the lines will become blurry. Blurred rality and blurred worlds are okay by me, my senses become dull and for a while, I'm the same as I was the day I awoke on this rock, forever naive and perfectly content about everything left in the unaware shadows. Leave it all there, I have no use for it.

And when the numbness fades, returning me to my senses, the world will still be broken, and I'll be ready for whatever can come next.

X

On this day, I'm proud to be a freak.

They tried to keep us in the dark, hidden.
We won't run, we won't hide.
We will bring ourselves into the light.

The longer I'm around, the more I see that I don't know very much.

People drift apart, change; nothing sticks. I've been here for so long, int he same place. I thought I had moved and grown, and I have grown, but I haven't moved at all. Who has touched my heart? Who, in this world, has made it inside somehow?

Well, a few people I thought. But somehow... they either don't know or don't care.

I love my friends and my family, they are everything to me. But I'm talking about the other kind of relationships that people have. Can a person be completely happy and live their lives without one of these lasting relationships? Why is there a void I always want to fill.

Looking around, on this hilltop I'm standing on, I'm the only one here.
Maybe the moon is with me.
Trying to teach me what this is all about, and where I'm headed.
Maybe relationships just aren't what I need, and I should know by now that I will never be defined by a relationship.